just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
