Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
