i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
