i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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