alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
