Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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