he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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