Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
