It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
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I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
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At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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