Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.