your parents love me but you hate me
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
