I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
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How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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