Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
