if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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