dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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