I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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