Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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