I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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