Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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