You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
