I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
