i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize