When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
