I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
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It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
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When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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