When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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