I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
