i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
