i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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