$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
