i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
