my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
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