dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
