I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
