I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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