I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
