Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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