so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
