it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
