at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
