maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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