i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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