You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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