I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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