Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage