my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
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