Got a toothbrush?
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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