I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
