His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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