You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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