Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize