Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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