at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Randomize
