it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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