Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
