Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
